this isn't what you wanted

I'm trying to prolong my breaths
so that my heart can catch up to reality
and keep my eyes open at a faster pace
and my lips silent for the first time in years
this hasn't made sense since I traded my youth
for a new pair of shoes
that never fit just right

I'm listening to the silence
as it screams the names of those I miss
and tells me about how much I'm losing
by taking my chances and jumping in head first
I'd love to tell it that it's all wrong
but I'm not sure that I believe it myself
they taught me everything I need to know
now they're letting me learn it for myself

I'm mad at nothing
but it keeps me so preoccupied that I can't
help but dissolve all the happiness
into my pockets and
accidently wash it
with my delicates
oops... I did it again

I shouldn't have given noon
the time of day
or the date for that matter
because it never wanted anything to do
with keeping me prompt or keeping me on task
I won't let this be for not
but you'll find me curled up in bed
on more than one occasion

I'm going to keep telling the walls
about my day
because they'll never care enough
to tell me about my mistakes
or remind me to take out the trash
I'll be missing the missed
and retreating to the corners of my sheets
with a stranger in toe
I'm sorry I was never good with introductions
or converstation
without having all directions point south
and getting myself mixed up with the
bad guys

I've been gone for too long
and I wish I could replace my goodbyes
with hellos
and my life could live like an ad for cheap phones
with a lifetime warrenty
and a lifetime movie to boot
I should have been featured right along her
as a fallen angel
but I haven't handed over the credits yet
I'm waiting for a cheaper way to get by

could this have happened in more of a
screwedupmixeddownoverratedunderanticipated
way?
I wish you could have told me where we were going
before we ended up there with
my hands tied behind my back and my
toes curling at the sound of your voice
was it always this good?

I'd write more about my flaws
but they seem to be fatal these days
and I'd rather not die for my sins
even though I've never been one to learn from them
I'll be anything this world needs from me
and I'll do it with as much of a smile
as I can muster
and gun to my head

as coheriant as I wish I was
I've always been the opposite