for mama

there's a soul
she's flowing through the atmosphere
dodging in and out of holes in the ozone layer
and coming back down to earth
if only for only a minute
in order to remind me that she's still here

between times she's floating away on clouds
and dancing on the stars
shifting with the sand
as the tides carry her to exotic lands
where she blends in with the flowers
and waits for us to find her
waiting

I'm convinced this soul is singing
when it's silent
and I can hear her carrying on with the wind
her laughter
is breaking the sound barrier
and the reason I can still do the same

as I bury myself in these books
she's the sweet sounding words
that flow together so beautifully
that I can't help but smile
she's the synonyms and adjectives
I love so much

and when I find myself with nowhere to run
except back to my pillow
she's soaking up my tears
and rubbing my back

and when I begin to live in the memories
of her smile and her voice
of her dancing and her singing
her laughter and her words

her breathing
her heartbeat

when it feels like she's gone

that's when she's everywhere
that's when she's flowing, dodging, dancing, singing, laughing, floating and shifting
through me
with me

and I am never alone

scream the abuses against us for the first time today

I can't ignore it
and I'm sure it's in the back of his mind
especially now that it's become the topic of discussion
all over again
that short, ugly word
that screams that I've been used and abandoned before
that probably scares the shit out of this man who is trying his hardest
to fall in love effortlessly
just as I drop this bomb of
here's-my-past
even though I'm no longer broken or torn
he has something to prove now
and I wouldn't be surprised if my past scares him more
than our future

back to that four letter word
that is forever part of who I will be
once people get to know exactly who I am
even if I'm not defined by it
even if I'm completely over it
it will linger in the recesses of your mind until
you find something to blame on it
and bring it up all over again

let's spell it
r-a-p-e
let's scream it
RAPE!

yes, I can remember everything I was wearing
yes, down to the shoes
yes, I knowingly went home with him
yes, even when I didn't want to have sex that night
but yes, I did want to have sex with him eventually
and yes, he took advantage of me

so I'm another statistic that didn't report it
who kept silent
who pretended like everything was fine
until the world started turning again
and now I really am fine
but you'll always remember me as...

and I saw a picture of him today
with his stupid hair
and his skin and eyes and lips and ears
and I wish I could have stopped his progress
stopped him in his path
and made it so he wasn't here today
living his life
care-free and ignorant
to the trauma he put me through
and the stigma he's placed on me
but I made my decision
to keep myself as far away enough from that man
in order to live my life
as care-free and ignorant
as possible

I've moved on
I'm not repeating these facts because I need to convince myself
I'm simply trying to make sure you get the point
this isn't in anger, depression, anxiety, all of the above
this is about frustration

because now I've found the perfect man
with the perfect heart
and I've told him my secrets
without thinking that he'll have to live with them now, too
I wonder how often he thinks of it
when he looks in my direction
or when he watches me sleep
how often he remembers that what he is given freely
was once stolen from this girl he's learning to love
does it scare him to know that I'm more grown up
than he originally thought?

he knows and he's still here
I have nothing to be afraid of
right?

the moonlight gives us comfort

instead of writing about philosophy
I want to write about you
and the way it feels when your hand
traces circles on my back
in the middle of the night
right before you sleepily draw me closer
so that we become tangled in each other
in the warmth that is your bed

one arm beneath my head
while the other around my waist
never letting let me roll away
even after you've drifted back to sleep
not that I'd ever want to roll away from that embrace
that proves you only want me closer
so I breath in the smell of your skin
as you're slow and steady breathing
lulls me back to sleep

and so this is happiness
with our bodies shifting in turning in the night
but never separating in the process
with the look you give me upon waking
that says you could stay just like this
for the rest of the day
stay in this mess of sheets and pillows
arms flailed around each other
unaffected by the rest of the world
until night falls again
and we're back where we started

a never ending cycle

I'm no longer comfortable in this room full of silence and I'm no longer able to live in this skin

so I've decided to write
with you to my left
buried in book and conversation
attention on everything
but the elephant in the room
keeping me from interjecting
while your roommates bullshit
the night away
things I'd usually find funny
hold no weight
as I'm struggling to figure out
exactly where I'm going with this

the mattress and pillows aren't as
inviting as they used to be
and the thought of sleeping here all night
catches me off guard
like I shouldn't be allowed
like this shouldn't be reality
because this time last week
was perfection
now I've been gone for two days
and my world no longer makes sense

so I don't blame this on you
and your perfect character
I blame this on too much thought
and not enough time to think it
so I hope you don't misinterpret
my silence
for something more than confusion
and I hope they don't read too far into my absence
even though they should

the singularity of my existence
rides on my ability to survive
these next few days
while I see how far the ties have been severed
in an attempt to reclaim my own being

I'm sorry it had to end this way

look up

I'm used to singing along to the slow melodies
drifting through my stereo
applying every single word
to my everyday life
thinking of all the times
I was broken down
and left in pieces

tonight was different
as I drove the streets of this city
watching the lights pass me by
I wanted to play the songs
slow in pace and close to my heart
just for the sake of singing to the night
knowing it would all come rushing back to me
flooding my mind with memories of memories

so I tried to listen
tried to remember why
I could sing so loud to the softest songs
but when the songs played
I couldn't find it in me to feel
anything but the urge to skip ahead
to something lighter
something happier
describing the person I have become

so this is happiness
that feeling that everythings right
and I don't have to hide behind my facade
as good as it may be
because I'm no longer wondering
where my next meal is coming from
metaphorically speaking
and I don't have to debate
the likelihood of falling asleep alone
when I know I'm more than welcome next to you

9/19/09

you held me up
walked me home
found me to my door
and waited while I
threw my shoes across the room
and stumbled into a change of clothes
mistaking socks for shoes
while giggling at my own mistakes

with the world spinning a little faster than usual
you helped me back trough the door
and laughed at my backwards sentences
holding my hand
and letting me lead us
to another secret location
where the fountain applauded our
efforts to keep our clothes on
as we tried not to take advantage of the privacy

our sleepy heads
longed for a place to rest
so we wandered away from our new hiding place
and found our way back to your bed
knowing we weren't going to
rush
into anything serious
I curled up next to you
and let your breath
sing me to sleep

you've lulled me to sleep with your thoughts without physically being present.

we finally decided
that with hours under our belts
we're jumping headfirst into this
hoping for the best
but still expecting the worst,
this much will never change

and I'm terrified
of what tomorrow will bring
with daylight and witnesses
and I'm terrified
of how this will end
because nothing lasts
and I have yet to describe this as
beautiful

where did you come from
with your goofy smile
and your perfect compatibility
and how did you find me
swimming in an ocean of
past lives and unforeseeable futures
only to pick me off the ground
and lead me someplace safer

you're not what I expect
when I expected to find a match
you're far from my usual
probably proving that you're
exactly what I needed to
survive this year
but I'm still uneasy
simply because

and I'm sure I don't deserve this
the nice guy
with intentions of gold
and I'm sure I'm not ready
to be treated
in any other way
than they treated me before
who are you to be this good?