he said he wanted to show me what the stars were made of
because I've been stuck looking into the dusk for too long
my eyes water from the lack of oxygen
cars coughing up black smoke
only slightly darker than the smoke that escapes his lips
as he reminds me of before without saying a word
we've mastered the dance of avoiding the subject

daredevil
she spins around the room
with ribbons flowing from her fingertips
wrapping themselves around the necks of past lovers
only waiting to watch her fall
tonight, the jokes on them

dancing
as though it's the only way to save her life
she'll lift the bottle to her lips one too many times
to keep the music pumping through her veins
the colors of every movement consume her
was she always this alone?

underneath
she's forgotten the name of this club
just as she's learned to forget their faces
looking down on her twirling out of control
once the tables have turned
won't she have a story to tell

now
she begins to slow
the colors blend together
her surroundings begin to take on consistent shapes
she'll take the closest hand and follow it home
never knowing who was stealing her this time
the music quiets and dies
and as the crowds start heading for the doors
she stands in the middle of the dance floor

alone
the lights go up
and it's true
she was always this alone

I love picking up where we left off
smoke (my motif)
fills our lungs and this room
waiting for what happens next
bet you didn't see this one coming
I've stopped faking (what you may ask?)
I know now
they'll never care
so we'll use each other
as often as we can
we'll use each other
for cigarettes
and what comes in between
and I hope you don't mind when
I don't care as much as used to
and I hope you don't get the wrong idea
I left my emotions
strangled on the floor of someone else's room
I left them there to die
because he was willing to watch them rot
and never get around to taking out the trash
so, there they'll sit
with my emotions lies all hope
that I'll ever survive
I'm pushing aside the thought of failure
only to have it come rushing back to me
ten times stronger
and in the middle of the night
so give me another drag
this could take a while
you'll never know or care
what happened in between times
and I'll keep it that way
to keep me safe from having to
go back and take out his garbage myself
you wouldn't get it
it's that "are you ok?" that I was looking for
was that a hit of sincerity I heard?
who am I kidding
sincerity is overrated

silence
I waiting for you to break the
silence
like you promised you would and yet there's still just
silence
leaking through the walls and down my spine I'm consumed by the
silence
wanting so badly to scream, but when I do all the only sound is
silence

silence
you fell asleep and left me with the
silence
that echoed off the walls and onto the bed where I lay in
silence
hoping you'd sleep through my departure and stay with your
silence
I had no intention of breaking the
silence
to open the door and find what was on the other side was a gaping wall of
silence
I'd have to learn to live with for the rest of my life in
silence

I'm locking myself away
from everything that bumps in the night
crawls through my sheets
devours my thoughts
gives me this empty feeling
that has consumed me
alone seems more inviting
than putting on a facade of
nothingsthematter
when I've forgotten how to feel
anything but terrified
you took what you wanted
not caring what you left me with
and ignored my pleading
I don't want to be "some girl"
you've stolen in the night
so I'll creep out before
the sunlight hits their eyes
and make sure you know I'm gone for good
I'm never making that mistake again
with my lungs gasping for anything but smoke
I'll fill them up again and blame you for
the rest of the world
knowing trust will never be an option again
I'll pull back from anybody who tries to reach for me
because the shock hasn't worn off
the fact that you never even cared
would almost hurt, if I could feel anything
so I'll sit outside
hoping the moon landing wasn't contrived
and wondering why exactly
I ever wanted this so badly

who wants damaged goods?

twenty four hours
and look where it got me
rock bottom looks a lot like home

if the beginning even matters now
with such a finale
I told myself you could be different
never believing a word of it
but the hope crept in and devoured the doubt

you pulled the lines out of your pockets
and threw them on the table
knowing I wouldn't be able to resist
the time and place
knowing it would only be a matter of time before...

I used to shake at the sound of your voice
and now I can't close my eyes
without finding you lurking there
I'll force them open
you've become my biggest fear

if I wasn't the one making the bad decisions before
I'm now throwing myself in circles
knowing there's a possibility that I won't be making it out alive
if I thought I was broken before
I've become the true definition of damaged*

I never gave you permission
to steal my life out from on top of me
and pretend like it was what I wanted all along
how long did it take for you to convince yourself
that your every move was justified?

you talked to me
and tried to talk me out of the truth
promising a second round
you're vocabulary lacking when
I try to remind you that
I never wanted the first



*damaged: Harm or injury to property or a person, resulting in loss of value or the impairment of usefulness.

I had to make it quick
before my heartbeat
slowly returns to its normal speed
tic toc tic toc

it's the sound of your voice
mixed with the ache of a promise
that keeps me so cliche
I'm ruining my chances of escaping
with every cigarette and missed call

and here we go again
lets begin with the beginning
I'm waiting for the moment
it all clicks into place
perpetual misspellings
disconnected
sentence fragments
you never could make plans

my head is spinning
and I'm stuck with smoke
seeping into my lungs
trying to make sense of
you all everybody

and if you miss the metaphor
the downfall will be complete
all my weaknesses wrapped into
one
misunderstanding
you'll never call back

yet
I'll continue to stay blissfully unaware
of all my bad decisions coming around and
looking me in the eyes
who are you to tell me...

take what you can while there's time
I'm trying to mispronounce
the last syllable
because it always did catch me up

dissect

put me in the middle
and split me down the center
I'm everything I never wanted to be
pulling in every different directions
I'm spilling over again
liquid insecurities dripping from each pore
it's like I've forgotten how to forgive
and forget

these songs have stolen my heart before
and now they're on repeat
but instead of forcing me back to you
I'm fixed in place
quickly running out of options
before I ruin every chance I've had
it's too late

now every optical illusion
seems like reality
so, I've quit trying
I'll live with this false pretense
of life, or something like it
please agree with my insanity
and make me feel slightly more sane

I've stolen my own morals
and hidden them under my mattress
hoping that I would forget them
it's working

each breath brings in a little more smoke
filling each lung until
it's all I can taste, smell, breathe, see
I'll let it consume me this time
with the memories of last april
radiating throughout my entire body
what have I done this time?

I'm asking you to keep me afloat
while know you're going to let me sink again
so I should get used to the bottom of the ocean
because I don't think
I'm a case worth rescuing
when I'm just going to be here in the end

so I'll be holding onto whatever
keeps me awake until I'm home
where I sleep to dream
and I don't feel alone in my own bed
I'm grasping, clinging onto whatever
memories scratch their ways out
reminding me of once upon a time
and when happy endings were a possibility

with every step I take forward
I take four steps back
and then I turn around again
constantly going in the wrong direction
when I ultimately have no destination
in sight

so cut me in half
it's been done before
so far I've been surviving
on the oxygen flowing into her lungs
trying to hold myself in
there's no point in over flowing
when there's going to be no one
to clean up afterwards