today, you were the last thing on my mind. tomorrow, you'll surly be the first

I wanted to write about you again
I wanted to talk about how you disappeared
about how I compared you to everyone
and now it's the other way around
I wanted to say something about
seeing you in other people
(a trait here, a smile there)
I've never done this before

I wanted to do all of that
but I decided against it
this will be about everything else
every other piece of my life
left unaffected by your swift entrance
and immediate departure
this will be about the color of my eyes
because you never even noticed them
this will be about the moon and the stars
because we never ventured outside your walls
or how about my constant misspellings
or my short-lived quest to smoke every different kind of cigarette
because you never even thought about
taking it to that level

this is about northern california
and the rain
about the long dry summers
and the winters the power lines froze
this is about redwood trees
and 4 hour drives
my mind twisting and turning with the roads
crawling with the clock
trying to remember what day it is
only to find I've been a day behind all week
so now it's time to play catch-up

but most importantly
this one is about their names on my caller id
the way they felt
and the way they tasted
the way they walked me outside
and walked me home
stopping to talk about the stars
the times they commented on my eyes
and aided me in my misspellings

this is about the way he made me tea
and lit my cigarettes
"didn't you have american spirits last time I saw you?"
naked, running outside to watch the first rain
telling me it would be good to get to know each other
and waking me up to make amends
and though it was never as romantic as it sounds
it was something more than nothing
and it was set on repeat
so that we kept falling back into place
back into bed

so, this wasn't about you
pick and chose the sentences you want
but you've been stripped of any meaning
and any chance you had of explaining yourself
(not that you would ever take it that far)
I've deleted the month of april from my memory bank
and replaced it with octobers and mays
but you'll never understand those references
because you'll never take the time

you're not asking to, but I will anyway.

and for once
I don't have anything to say

you're not perfection
but I can't say that in all honesty
because I'm still having trouble remembering your name
I'm waiting for the moment it clicks
and you become the man of my dreams
because right now I don't care
and right now
I just like the idea of you

I want to use you in the worst way possible
simply for something to look forward to
because I'm sleeping my life away
and I'm sure I'd enjoy it more
if I wasn't alone
but you're not talking
and I'm not about to put out the effort
until I'm convinced I should care
about more than
myself

tirade agaisnt the earth, sea and sky

and she's come
undone
her words are as mixed as her emotions
her stomach knots and twists
and her speech slows to a slur
under-wraps
her mind wanders and loses itself
to the downward spiral
of his spiral staircase

the smiles she faked for the camera
come back to haunt her
on the faces of those she loves
those shes jealous of
the world is still spinning for them
while she can't stay anywhere but still
somewhere in between
the in between
she reached the top
only to find herself getting fucked again
in the most literal sense of the word

her eyes lock and load
on her next target
but her aim is always off
by just that much
so she ends up with the wrong one
again
lying awake
the ceiling pressing down on her
while his heavy breathing
keeps her awake
for the second night this week

the earth never moved under her feet
her bored expression
a testimony to the day she gave up
her body
shifts and turns
with the road
as it becomes another snake
leading her home
to where she'll sit again
contemplating what when wrong
along with whowhenwhereandwhy
the answers won't come in this lifetime
at least not while she's looking

they'll come
she'll be put back together
but only when she least expects it

I'll be alone tonight, won't you come find me?

note: so, I started a tumbler...
and here's what's going to happen.
poetry will still be here (and only here). the tumblrs just to get out the stuff I don't want to waste your time with on here (aka random thoughts/photos/quotes/etc).
check it out if you so choose.

the inspiration hasn't hit
I'm barely breathing
and I can't find my pillows tonight

I'm getting used to falling asleep alone
and waking up to an empty room
the walls haven't been whispering lately
the windows have been covered and
I can't tell the day from the night

life is slowing down
and my days are weeks
while my weeks are months
and so forth
I'm waiting for someone to save me
but nobody seems to be listening
to my cries

so sometimes I wish you were real
telling me stories
and writing me love songs
scooping me out of the monotony
that has become my
day-in and day-out
but I'm sure I've made you up

and I'm stuck alone again
with the figment of my imagination
and a pile of words
that can't form complete sentences
let alone use correct grammar
trying to convey
everything I've had and then lost
lost and then found
found and then had stolen from me

now everything's gone
and I want to ask you where to turn next
but you have no idea which direction I'm traveling
the maps are all backwards anyway
and the next turn is miles away
you'll comment on my driving
and I'll comment on the weather
just to keep the conversation going
just to hold onto something real

I'll pretend like I'm not here tonight
once I find my pillows and fall into bed
I'll be a million miles away
making impulse actions
and never having to suffer the consequences

I'll be living
if only for the next 8 hours

this has no beginning or end

when I find myself back where I belong
will you find me again
scour the streets
until I'm within your reach

come spend the night
and remind me
why we exchanged numbers to begin with
reintroduce yourself to
my pillows and sheets
and drown out the background noise
with the sound of our breathing
in unison
fingers crawling down my back
pulling me close
while your whispering
up and down my collarbone
and I'm smiling responses
to every movement
my toes are curling
and my hands are grasping
for anything to hold onto
I'll claw my way down your back
and your fingers will dance across my stomach
and you'll laugh in response
to the gasps I let escape my lips
and we'll ignore the fact
that the sun set hours before we even met
because it feels as though you've always known
exactly who I am

so come find me again
find the door
the light
and we'll pretend like
this could be
real
even when we both know the truth

sacramento is empty

did you forget my number
because I haven't heard from you in weeks
and every I'll-call-you-back
has been met with silence
and the sound of my own breath
faulty, halted, sometimes forgotten all together

so I've mastered the art of filling my time
with pointless activities hoping to
keep my mind off the fact
that I'm utterly alone in this part of the world
going to extremes to feel anything at all

now I'm left with the question of
who do I turn to
who is physically here to take the brunt of this
and hold me close while I cry until my cheeks are raw
because I have reminders at every turn
of every failure
and every mistake
and every missed opportunity
I could have possibly made

and his name is calling me back to the memories
while there's nobody in sight to
slap some sense into me
I'm wondering where hes gone
and you've forgotten I was ever there

but you're not the only one
who said they'd remember
and you're not the only one
who did no such thing
I should stop putting so much faith
into people I know are going to
let me down

trust.

I'm still looking for your name to come save me from the dark
I hope you don't mind that you've become the subject of so many sad stories
I keep thinking someday you'll take the time to explain yourself
I'm still trying to lie to myself
even though I've known the truth all along

if you only knew

I saw your face again
as I shut my eyes
I tried to conjure up the perfect man
and all I could see was your face

you were looking down at me
from your regular place on top
telling me I'd never know you
because formalities like that
were out of the question

but then I pictured your smile
and the way you enveloped me
your pillows and sheets
and your habit of getting back into bed
even after the alarm went off
I remembered you

and all of this in the blink of an eye
lasting slightly longer than "we" did
reminding me of the morning I blinked
and you were gone
along with those nights "we" found ourselves face-to-face
and I was forced to down another bottle
explaining to my friends that I can only drown my sorrows in liquids
or I can make them go up in smoke
while you sat back and calmly surveyed the room for your next
short-lived love affair

and I wonder how it felt
seeing me being taken by someone else
his hands around my waist
his whisper in my ear
and his lips on my neck
did you finally figure it out?
because when you walked away
it took everything in me
to keep him close
and not follow you home
to a false sense of safety
and the inevitable pain that would follow

I blinked again
and there you were
smiling at her across the table
and I was never given that courtesy
so it stings that much more

and again
hoping the next time
you'll come to your senses
and remember my name

where.

basically
I can't stay here
I can't stand there
so where do I go?

hide and seek

you screamed so loud
we couldn't hear your insecurities
as you drowned them out
an incredible feet
in and of itself

I popped advil
and snuck away for well-deserved
cigarettes
in order to pretend like it wasn't real
but you just kept on going
proving me wrong with every
interrupted sentence
that will never see its end

and it began to rain
as she followed along
mimicking your every move
as if you were leading her in a dance of betrayal
I'll never see her shine again
you've dulled her out
to make room for yourself

I woke up to empty promises
and hollow hellos
waiting for the town to go under
I'd rather pretend like you never existed
than come face-to-face with the fact
that you're all too real

and how do I treat this
I haven't found a pill strong enough
to turn everything around
turn it back into how it used to be
I haven't found the right drugs
to hallucinate her back to my side
or make myself believe your intentions were ever good

I hope everything you're pretending to be
gets washed away
and you're left naked
stripped of your ego
screaming at everyone to help you clean up this mess
and put you back together
because you wouldn't be caught dead
without this seasons shade of pride

you've lost your mind

learn to hold your liquor dearest
I can't spend another night picking up the pieces
telling you that two steps behind is
really two steps in front
so you'll believe in yourself for a minute or two
I can't do it again

and that is all this town holds
you and your misery
banking on my pity
you have no idea what you're getting yourself into
and I can't promise happy endings
because I can't afford to lie
and your fairytale dreams
have the likelihood of being shattered
along with a bottle or two

when compared to the tales I could tell you
your idea of importance hold no weight
when I've hit seven
and you've never come close to one
I'm sorry to scream this
but darling dear, you have no idea

may eighth twothousandandnine

so here's a toast to our everything
with beats pulsing through our veins
and hands grasping for our hips
we're trying to make believe
that if the room spins fast enough
we can loose ourselves to a sea
of solo cups and cigarette smoke
proving that we have nothing left to prove

it was our final night to scream at the tops of our lungs
and we did so with such force we called out the wolves
and they hunted along side us
following our lead hoping to follow us home
all false pretenses aside
they pulled at our shirts and whispered in our ears
we fell over laughing
because we could no longer hold each other up
we only survived because he pushed his way through
and we only survived because we overlooked the obvious

moans escaped the lips of the innocent
and tears rolled down the faces of the sinners
you're arrival signaled by awkward glances and drunken texts
I made my move
ultimately making you leave
did you know it was going to hit so hard?
the force of what could have been you
tangled up in my hair
my hand around his waist
what could have been you

out of sight out of mind
so midnight and I danced
while exhaling smoke as an offering to the moon
we fell in love again
and I used him as a substitute for
the stars
remembering why we chose this life to begin with
I hear the foreign sound of my own laughter
permeating through the walls and
bouncing off the ceiling
and I watched the smiling faces twirl past me
calling my name and fading away

so this is our ode to the best and the worst
we'll come back around
where repetition will grab us by the throat
and all our wishes will come true

we are truly the lost
we are truly the found

so. I've been keeping this blog since about a week before school started. now here I am. 9 months later, done with my first year of college. it all seems so surreal. I don't know where to begin describing this whole experience because as much as I hated it while I was there, I sure as hell miss it now and I'm pretty sure I'd go back in a heartbeat. there really is nothing like college (Asher Roth is on to something). It sucks because there--oxy, Los Angeles--everything is within your fingertips--friends, men, entertainment, relaxation--everything... here, I still have nothing. and sure, I'm going home (fort bragg) but everybody there is a 180 from all my friends here I don't think I can handle it. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but to say that I survived the worst of it, and I still want to go back. it blows my mind that I'm not going back to oxy in a couple of weeks. like, i have to have a life outside of oxy, out side of our bubble and i don't really know how to do that. I got so comfortable there. so prepared. so (hopefully) ready for anything. and now it's like home is the danger zone. the unknown. how am I going to do it?

constant reminder

you've closed your window
I can only assume
that's because
you no longer have someone to keep you warm at night
when you let that all go
why did you decide to appear again?
I'm keeping tabs on places I should avoid
in hopes of avoiding your constant reminder that
I wasn't good enough

he's opened his door
I can't imagine why his lights are on at such an hour
with his weary bones and early mornings
I'm waiting to be invited in
so that he can appear again
in full force
smoke rising from our lips
we're constant reminders that
mistakes happen

my eyes are far from closing
with my comforter comfortably empty
I'm spending tonight with the revolutionaries
and the sleep deprived
where has all the time gone?
their voices have muted
and my typing continues
as a constant reminder
that this is all but over