if you only knew

I saw your face again
as I shut my eyes
I tried to conjure up the perfect man
and all I could see was your face

you were looking down at me
from your regular place on top
telling me I'd never know you
because formalities like that
were out of the question

but then I pictured your smile
and the way you enveloped me
your pillows and sheets
and your habit of getting back into bed
even after the alarm went off
I remembered you

and all of this in the blink of an eye
lasting slightly longer than "we" did
reminding me of the morning I blinked
and you were gone
along with those nights "we" found ourselves face-to-face
and I was forced to down another bottle
explaining to my friends that I can only drown my sorrows in liquids
or I can make them go up in smoke
while you sat back and calmly surveyed the room for your next
short-lived love affair

and I wonder how it felt
seeing me being taken by someone else
his hands around my waist
his whisper in my ear
and his lips on my neck
did you finally figure it out?
because when you walked away
it took everything in me
to keep him close
and not follow you home
to a false sense of safety
and the inevitable pain that would follow

I blinked again
and there you were
smiling at her across the table
and I was never given that courtesy
so it stings that much more

and again
hoping the next time
you'll come to your senses
and remember my name