dear mr. -
my therapist says that I have an attachment issue. that I blame myself for when people leave. I hold the guilt, it must have been me. I replay every moment wondering where it was that I went wrong. what did I say?
it was short-lived, like everything else in my life. how many times are people like you going to have to leave without an explanation before I get the point? when will I learn my lesson? there I go, blaming myself again. so sorry, so sorry.
but still, they always leave. they always spew love poems, then turn around and vanish. I'll never hear from you again. just like the rest. always just like the rest.
and why do the sad songs keep playing in the background? reminding me that you were not the first one to leave, and you won't be the last. At least we hadn't made any commitments. those were never expected. I never wanted to scare you away. I just wanted to know a little more, is that too much to ask?
I wish I could have told you that I was broken. that's why I needed time. I'm broken. don't fix it if it ain't broken? don't even bother with what was already broken before you even arrived. but that would have only scared you more. what would you do with the pieces? I never expected you to clean them up. I just wanted you to make me feel whole, just for these last few weeks. I would have missed you when it was over, but at least there would have been something.
so now, how do I expect this to play out? I'll pass you on the way to class and look you straight in the eye, then what? you'll look away and I'll look down. all the courage I'm bracing myself for will dissipate. it always does. all the plans. I've broken all the plans.
I'll see my therapist tomorrow. he'll remind me that I'm a survivor and I'll look him eye and pretend to agree.
sur·vive
maybe I am. but only in definition 3... remaining functional. I give myself a pat on the back for that one. though I wonder how, exactly, I've managed to survive. I thank the cigarettes and my pillows.
it was short-lived, like everything else in my life. how many times are people like you going to have to leave without an explanation before I get the point? when will I learn my lesson? there I go, blaming myself again. so sorry, so sorry.
but still, they always leave. they always spew love poems, then turn around and vanish. I'll never hear from you again. just like the rest. always just like the rest.
and why do the sad songs keep playing in the background? reminding me that you were not the first one to leave, and you won't be the last. At least we hadn't made any commitments. those were never expected. I never wanted to scare you away. I just wanted to know a little more, is that too much to ask?
I wish I could have told you that I was broken. that's why I needed time. I'm broken. don't fix it if it ain't broken? don't even bother with what was already broken before you even arrived. but that would have only scared you more. what would you do with the pieces? I never expected you to clean them up. I just wanted you to make me feel whole, just for these last few weeks. I would have missed you when it was over, but at least there would have been something.
so now, how do I expect this to play out? I'll pass you on the way to class and look you straight in the eye, then what? you'll look away and I'll look down. all the courage I'm bracing myself for will dissipate. it always does. all the plans. I've broken all the plans.
I'll see my therapist tomorrow. he'll remind me that I'm a survivor and I'll look him eye and pretend to agree.
sur·vive
| v. sur·vived, sur·viv·ing, sur·vives v. intr.
|
posted by Ella Enchanted | 9:35 PM
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