sounds from upstairs

I'm tempted to state the obvious
and convince myself that I've made you into more
than just my own fictional character
someone who was spending my nights
as far away as possible
you'll never try to rescue my morals
because they've been gone from the start
I'm sleep deprived and insane
you've got a lot to live up to
pretend that you've cared this entire time
and you'll get what you're looking for

my eyes are heavier than usual
and my mind keeps wrapping
itself around the unatainable, unavoidable
I'm trying to get to that point
where I throw my hands in the air
and admit defeat
get over it
(always easier said than done)
and I shouldn't even care
not one bit

go draw a star on your door
and keep to the sheets
I'm trying to figure out where
my mind has gone
and I haven't paid enough attention
to the world around me to understand
the unmistakable
diviance
you've never given me a reason
to want you this much

I'll be here when you're ready
to make this into something
friday nights will be proud of

goodnight.

this.is.it

FUCK.

I'm done with boys

why did they have to come to college

I'm done with emotions

why did they have to come to college also

I'm done with being a girl

why can't we shut of said emotions like said boys

I'm done with pretending that my life's a cake walk

why can't I just scream out my insecurities from the top of this building

I'm done feeling stupid

why couldn't I have gotten my shit together before I left

I'm done with my work ethic

why can't I ever get anything done

I'm done looking over my shoulder

why can't he just pop into view and make me smile

I'm done thinking this is going to make me happy

why don't I just look somewhere else

I'm done with college

why can't Ijust go back to high school where things were simpliar

I'm done ranting and raving

why can't I just figure out what I want









I was stupid. friday night was a stupid choice. I should never invest my emotions to their full potential. I hate boys that know they can get with you. I hate them. they make me want to scream. I can see it now: I get my hopes up, he lets them down. where have I seen this before? oh yeah! with every other guy I've ever been with. FUCK THEM. they know nothing. sure, there are? SERIOUSLY! what did I do to deserve this. I'd be the perfect girlfriend. great sex. I'm a good listener. I'm good at reading emotions. I'll never push. I'm just fucking worried about my sanity at this point in time. I've partied every weekend that I've been here, and even on some week nights. I'm so stupid. I just need to get my head out of the clouds and focus. think. realize. contemplate. discover. observe. ask. show. tell. EXPERIENCE.

tell me I'm not going crazy

saga

he's a memory
locked upstairs
listening to voices
flow from the speakers
surrounding his life
and reminding him of the times
he remembered
to get her alone
and lock the door
reminding the roommate to
leave the door unlocked
and leave the room
she's just as vulnerable as
he made her out to be
and she was as willing
as ever
he held her hand and
told her it was right
and she smiled
as they blended
smoke rose from their
lips and she laughed
subconsiously knowing
where it would lead
and he watched from the
conor of his eye
as she watched him
moving closer to find
a spot on his shoulder
to rest her head
he lead her up the stairs
squeezing her hand
and offering the option of anonymity
and she took it
they took to the sheets
like it was the last thing
they could do
knowing they were under
an influence other than love
and the lust was rushing
through their veins
but she turned him away
before he could have made an impact
greater than that of
every other conquest
and he respected her decision
and held her close
she wasn't fooled by the night
she wasn't decieved by his charm
but she still found herself reeling in the morning
wondering whowhatwhenwherewhyandhow
before she could have her questions answered
saturday night made its presence known
and exploded on the scene
they couldn't find a place to hide
until it was too late
and he was to far gone
to make sense
even though he tried
she even expected
hopeful for more
what was 24 hours in the scheme of things
that they would find another hidden spot
in their abyss of nothingness
and find whatever it was they were lacking
that led them to each other
he never replied
she slept through til morning
and never saw his face again

you've lied your way to the top

late night once again
and I'll write this as
quickly as possible
before I run out of words
and I'm stuck wondering
why they all seem to disappear
when I fall into so much hate
that I could burn down this town

I shouldn't even wonder why you
never remembered to call me back
and every word out of your mouth
had a secret motive to find me in your sheets
you're the past
I shouldn't even care

I'm partial to telling everybody
about your flaws
in hopes that you'll fall flat on your face
in public
I'll scream out every secret I've stored
for the time I knew would come
from the second you became too good to be true
"if it's too good to be true
it's probably a lie"
thank you, stranger
you're words ring true

you copied fictional characters
and that worked
you won't find me cheering on the good guy
because he's never real
and he's always selfish

you're the one
I've wanted to kill your name
in the back of my head
for as long as I've known of your existance
(you were overwhelming before
you were even real)

I hope she does to you what you did to me
and I hope you break each other
because I'm in the mood to see things
fall apart
in the life of someone other than myself

now, go find yourself a wife
you always said your intentions were
sincere

I'm see-through

I'm starting to feel that twing of homesickness that I was supposed to feel 3 weeks ago, but never did. I feel like there's nowhere else I want to be other than by my mom's bed or eating breakfast with my dad. I don't like the idea that these people are going to become my family. They aren't, they never will be. Not to say I don't love them, I do. But, they're not Lacy or Bryna or Kathrina. I haven't found one person who I can laugh with the way we used to laugh. Those girls, they're my family if anybody is. I want to be the one who gets to go back to Fort Bragg for the week and spend the night in my room. I want to be in Sacramento. I want to be anywhere North of San Francisco and south of Humbult County. I want to know the roads like the back of my hand and be able to get from point A to point B without having to mapquest that shit. This city doesn't help. This campus doesn't help. This room (that's about to not be my room anymore) doesn't help. I need something secure. So far, I don't think anybody understands what's going on in my home and how hard every single day is for me. Sure, I act as though I'm tough as nails, but I'm not. I'm not even close. I'm an actress, tried and true. That's all I'll ever be. I'm never going to be able to talk about my problems with anybody other than my parents. I hate putting a burden on someone that I've volunteered to put in a situation in which they have to listen to me complain about this, that and the other. That's why I never talk about anything. That's why I keep it all inside. That's why I'm crying right now, but my roommate will never be the wiser even though she's sitting less than 5 feet away from me. I have these moments of vivid memory in which I can see an entire see from my life, back when everything was simplier. Routine was normal. Dinner was cooked and not ordered out. There were fires in the winter and screen doors in the summer. There were family vacations and family talks. There was a family. The biggest problem was a boy and even that always had a solution. I had time to spare and cried about the little things. I hate this new life.
I hate that nobody's going to read this.
because nobody's ever going to understand.

same endings different hello

I'm listening to echoings of
saturdays dancing down the street
love on the moon
socks and electric fences
I'm missing simplicity

I never thought about leaving
until I was going going gone
and I didn't have the time to run
back into the arms of my favorite people
before I had to find new arms to walk me home
hold my hand
it's security I need now
(she was always the best)

I left my tears in the north
and never let my eyes sting
at the sound of laughter
without realtion to one of us
I'm counting down the days until
I can camp out in your backyard
you'll be begging me to leave

I know I'm going to be signing love notes
with a slur and all I can think about
is the lack of regret he taught me
I've never been one to hate
but I could change my opinions in terms of
heartbreakers

I'm scared of being left before my
heart is ready to be forgotten
and how did this end up here
when it started out with such
naustalgic happiness

I'll write more
once I know what
this means