understanding

I'm struggling to find the words
or the memories
to explain my
in between
saturday and sunday
in between
before and after

I woke up the the sound of
breathing down my neck
and realized exactly
when and where I was
how did circumstance
bring me to another unknown place?
I worked my way backwards
through the night before
not understanding exactly
when I made the decision
to break all my promises to myself

now I'm underestimating
under the influence
and nursing my own wounds
in order to keep my
hands to themselves
knowing if they start to claw for the truth
I'll only be lead astray

I'm confronting my own
downfall
and after all the smoke
and tears
I realize it boils down to
you

for lacy

this again
has become a downfall of sorts
because I miss your voice a little more everyday
and I want to find myself
riding shotgun with the windows rolled down
spending calculus on the shores
wondering where the weather came from
dancing to the songs only we understood

I have the memory of your smile
telling me that there was a time
when I could have helped
but you've made it clear
that every effort I make is exactly whats tearing us apart
and I'd fix every broken conversation if I could
put you back by my side
watching movies until dawn
because the real world can wait a couple more hours

I miss every moment of capitalized love
we spelled out onto the computer screen
at five in the morning
because time never stood still enough when you were around
it always seemed to fly right out of the window
under the cracks in the door
like our laughter floating through the air
until we were told that sleep was crucial part of their existence
but not ours
because we could have lived off of exactly where we were

now I'm stuck a thousand miles away wondering
where exactly I went wrong
it's been seven years of youandme
and now I'm just as lonely as I was
the day before I met you
once, I knew you'd be the only one to understand
I kept you within my reach
because I knew you'd be there
when I fell

our entire lives were made of things
only we could explain
and only to each other in the end
I'm not going to give up
because you're still the only one who understands
wishing I could rethink my decisions
what did I do
to have you push me this far away
I want to keep you in my pocket
for those days when all I need to do is
see you smile again

I wanted to take you with me
because I'm not me with you
and when you're nowhere in sight,
what does that say about me?

this is the beginning of another beginning.