the changing

I'm reminding myself
to forget those who
wanted nothing more than to see me
fall
spiral
downwards into
who am I?
the sheets scream with indiscretion
because I'd never question
myself whenever it came to another
what's his name again?
the pillowcases sigh
knowing I'm just another
their secrets won't be heard
even as I'm pressed into them
I came here with the purpose of
writing for my hero
and I'm leaving with the underlying
cry for help
from a nobody living
at the end of his means
I'm trying to keep my hopes to a
minum
as far down as I once was
is it really midnight again?
they seem to fly by so fast
my heart can't keep up
because it's beating at its slowest pace
and it hasn't seen the light of day
in months
because it shut off the moment
she went under
I'm trying my hardest to
be whatever it was you wanted me to be
because you were the only one
who had any idea
I could be something other than
a complete failure
if you could only see me now...

nothing serious

I have this funny feeling
you're not worth the words
and you're just a passing fancy
standing as still as the day I met you
as the room flew in circles
and my eyes took longer than usual
to focus and pull myself together

I'm still stuck in this limbo
as unemotional as the day
every emotion I once displayed
far too visibly on my sleeves
danced out the window
with every broken promise
he promised he'd never break

I'll wonder, wander, wish
that this could be somethinganything
but the gap in years
that's ignored as I lay next to you
is something we're facing
backwards and sideways
because I'm still nieve
and I'm sure you know how to play the game

it's comforting to know you thought of me
so early on after
you were so prone to forgetting
and I was surprised to find
that you're keeping your door open
to let in the cold and keep out the
secrets

I shouldn't read too far into
anythingeverythingsomethingmaybe
because I'm always finding myself
wrong
you've asked me to stay
I've told you the truth
and you'll still walk me home
chivelry has yet to take it's final dying breath,
I'm shocked

tell me when I can start believing again
because it's up to you
I'll be waiting for the lights to fade
you never told me why you laughed...

tick-tock
tick-tock
the night flew by
and before she knew it
midnight had gotten the better of her
but before she had the chance to lay down
they swooped her up and carried her into the night

the colors shifted around her
and what once was
proved to be over
so they changed directions
in search of another place
to get their fill

as the cross-streets
turned into cross-walks
they discovered themselves
in the company of strangers
feeling all but uncomfortable
because the universe works in mysterious ways





last night was really, quite fun. We (Julia, Kashi, Marquita, Kaitie, Ellie and I) went to a party off campus that was NOT an oxy party. We, for some reason, thought that going to a random guys house party after he hollered at us from the street was a good idea, and, actually, it was. These people were chill. The majority of them work at American Apparel, including this guy named Daryl who is the host of the party. This turns out to be some sort of birthday party for his friend. So we chilled. Daryl and I have a pretty legit converstation and kiss a few times. He asks me if I'm going to spend the night and I tell him I would think about it. Now, none of the girls are about to leave me there over night so eventually we all bounce. He's totally chill with it, I mean, hell, he was so drunk he would have passed out before anything happened anyways. Eventually we all go to bed at about 5 in the morning... at 11 I get a call from my dad and I'm barely able to open my eyes, at 11:10 I get another call, this time it's Daryl. I jump out of bed, I'm so goddamned surprised, and we talk for a couple of minutes. he wants to apologize for being so drunk the night before and tells me that it was probably good that I left because he did pass out and so on and so forth... then he says he'll call later. I'm thinkin: yeah, right. I don't know why this kid even called me at all, but he's definitely not going to call back. it's 6 o'clock at night and I get another call from Daryl... this time he's calling to tell me he's going into a meeting but wants to know if it'd be ok if he called me when he gets out around 11 or so. of course I say yes.


now I'm being one of those stupid cliche girls and waiting by my phone.

he's totally my type.

you have no idea.

camping...

so, I just spent the last 2.5 days in Joshua Tree National Park between Palm Springs and 29 Plams. IT WAS AMAZING. I don't even know how to explain it. yeah, we had to do school work, we had to wake up early, we had to clean up after everyone, we had to deal with the other people in the class and so forth, but I had more fun in the last couple of days than I've had in a while. I have this funny tendency to really loath camping until I'm actually doing it. once the tent is up and I'm free to wander I fall in love with nature all over again. I don't care if I can't shower, I don't care if I have to use an outhouse, I really don't care if I look like shit. All I care about is climbling the rocks, wandering through the desert, watching the stars. wow, the stars. I don't think I've ever seen so many shooting stars in my life. It was so beautiful. I miss the stars. I hate the purple haze that equals night on occidental's campus. I hate being able to count the number of stars I can see on one hand. it depresses me. but at joshua tree, I could see millions of stars. I felt so at home. And the rocks, I've never seen such interesting/amazing rock formations in my life. the first day Marquita and I climbed barefoot to the top of the one nearest to our campsite. the view was spectacular. and yesterday we went to skull rock and marquita and I blazed our own trail and climbed to the tippy-top of a ledge. It was very liberating.
and tomorrow's my 18th birthday. I feel like this trip was kind of like a right of passage. Like, look, you're an adult, you can do this, you can climb that, jump that, duck that, you can do it.
pictures will come soon. promise.

need not want

I need to stop spending my saturday nights creating awkward situations.
I need to get the fuck over it and act like I don't give a shit.
I need to quit smoking.
I need to get his picture off my desk.
I need to be happier about my ability to get with most of (if not all) of my conquests.
I need to stop drinking.
I need to be happier about the friends I've made.
I need to gain self confidence, I've done enough loosing control.
I need to laugh harder.
I need to swim.
I need to dance.
I need to cry.
I need to remember that time when...
I need to clean my side of the room.
I need to tell people what's up.
I need to slap him.
I need to fuck him.
I need to kiss him.
I need to get the fuck over him.
I need to save myself...
but most importantly...
I need to fucking sleep.




too bad none of these things are going to happen anytime soon.

this

such a simple subject line to
draw attention to
inbetweenthelines
things you'd usually overlook
and people you'd usually see right through
tell me in a week
about the people you care about
and I'll bet they're not in your contact list
today

tell me how to get through the day
I'm looking for alone
and surrounded by threesaparty
and I'm attracted to his laugh
and the way he never ceases to
awknowledge my existance
(something so overlooked these days)

I'll spend my nighttiming
writing for my life
waiting for that one person who
tells me "you're worth it"
because I'm still here
with nowhere to turn
and there's another knock on the door
we all know where that leads

I'd tell you I was happy
but I'm stuck in this limbo
where I can't decide if they actually care
or if I'm just another name
another phone number
another "friend"

something so untrue
because I can't think of one person
within a 200 mile radius
who might actually listen
this that the other

come back to me
you're much too far away
to extract meaning from my words
I miss you every second of...
you forgot to make the effort
I forgot to make the effort
we're falling apart
while you're growing
and I'm still...

the end

x's and o's

tonight the evidence that
I'm an emotional wreck
is sprawled out accross face
and I'm not trying to tell you how I feel
because you'd doubt my soberity
(with good reason)
but tonight I've drowned my sorrows
in simply cigarettes
and I'm not looking to find any sort of liquid
to make the word "drown" literal

I'm listening to the screaming
of a voice I'm starting to recognize
and I'll lock myself away
until someone else comes knocking at my door
looking for the wrong person
because I'm not good enough

I'm wrong again
about the ways my silence is portrayed
I've never been good with converstation
and I miss the way simplicity felt
before april
and the change of seasons

summer didn't bring
its usual sunshine and butterflies
only smoke and sorrow
and the state caught on fire
while my heart froze over
I'm stuck in the photographs
plastering my walls
wishing for a time when...

these days aren't reality
and I have yet to come to this realization
I'm sorry I kept you up so late
I wasn't who I thought I was
and I'm still not sure what that means

we spend too much time thinking about
the things that will get us through until friday
and not enough about the things that
got us this far
I'm sorry to ruin the moment
but where were you?

these words aren't coherent
and I won't blame you for turning back
forget everything I've said
I'm under the influence of
only myself
(I've been told that's the worst drug)
while she's stumbling over herself
they'd never care as much...

I miss
I miss
I miss
there is no forgetting.

anotherodetothebottle

remember when
my fingers would spill out my nights
and tell the world about my every mistake
I'd never learn to regret
(it's the happiness that counts, not the aftershock)
I feel as though those days have come full circle
and these days are filled with so many words
that I hope that I can only find the time to write a few of them down

I find that now
and I want to relive every midnight
in technicolor
because I never thought my nights would play out like this
I never thought I'd find my eyes opening
to the sights that I've seen
I never thought I'd be so lucky
it's been so long since my last round
that saturday nights are looking more promising

would you believe me if I said
this was all your fault?
because I'd love to have someone to blame
for my lack of self concern
(I've strangled my emotions and threatened them upon return)
I'm keeping my secrets
far from the truth I once claimed to be
you don't live here anymore

when I find myself
once again entangled in someone else's sheets
I'll think of the nights you told me it was true
and laugh even louder at the lies that escaped your lips
my eyes don't want to find his
but they will for the sake of the moment
and I'll wake up in a dizzy of
whereamI?
but you'll feel the sting of
she'sfinallymovingon
and I'll know my work here is done

nobody saw this coming
and I'm sorry for being a disappointment
and not living up to your image
of the girl you knew in high school
I'll find my way through saturday nights unscathed
no need to worry
I'm more of a professional than you'll ever know

when saturday night becomes sunday morning

saturday night stumbled in the room
like we had invited it to dinner
and before we knew what to do
it took us by the hand and led us down the block
to find out where we'd spend the night

every girl in the room had motives on their minds
and every boy tried his hardest to figure out what they were
so they collided effortlessly
in tune with the music playing as a soundtrack to whatever nights like these bring
she stepped in the door and found a hand to hold
the room spun as drinks were flung in her direction
and cigarettes danced on her lips
the walls whipsered "enjoy it while you can"

in terms of love, it's not what she was looking for
and she worked her way from room to room
with the promise of something more coming from the night
she kept her soul wide open for the first person who chose to take it
and he told her he'd come back
while she turned her back on any morals she had ever claimed
and found solace at the sides of strangers
they worked her arms around her waist and led her through the crowd
the fed her compliments through their teeth
and she believed every word

and so it goes
the night took its toll
and what began as effortless soon became violent
as he held them back he watched her with pleading eyes
she ran out the door only to find her way back
"I guess I'm staying here"
were the only words she exhaled
as he led her to the back
she closed the doors
turned out the lights

and the final collision
peaked at a crescendo
as they swam through the sheets
she held her breath and as he held her close
and they both held on for dear life
as questions stabbed at ther spinal column
she ripped out every emotion and left them on his beside table
knowing she was only adding to an already over flowing pile
the night wore on

morning came with the sun
as her head ached with a sudden realization of
only hours before
he rolled over and stroked her hair
and she watched the walls steady themselves
as she tried to put the pieces together

the walk home was a long one
with so much on the mind
but she found her door, her bed, her pillow
and unsuccessfully shut her eyes

she got what she wanted
but now where does she go?

tonight and the rest of eternity

it's 3 in the morning and I'm sitting in the common room watching Made with the girlies y david.
tonight.

la adventura de eliana, kashi, ellie, marquita y kaitie.

I'm going to try to make this as literate as possible.
I'm going to try to make this sound somewhat intelligent.

so. the big plan: get to an all ages club and dance all night.
what actually happened: we drink, we get ready. it's midnight and we catch a taxi into downtown LA to go to Banana Box because we hear it's going down. we find the address and pay the driver ($50) and get out to head towards the wearhouse it's supossed to be at and we don't hear anything. So the taxi drives away and we're standing there looking very confused because we don't exactly know what's going on. but, there about 7 guys standing outside of the wearhouse and they ask us if we came for the party and we say yes. One of the guys, "yoshi," tells us he's the party cordinator and, sadly, it had been raided. So, we're officially pissed. We paid $50 dollars to come to this guys party and it's over by 12:30. Kaitie takes control of the situation ridiculously fast and starts working the guy. Telling him he should reimburse us for our ride over and that if he could promise that we'd be on the VIP list next time we'd roll in 40 deep. All he can say is "I dropped 5g on this, I'm broke, BUT, I can give you a ride to another party... in Compton." the second he says he'll give us a ride we say no, the second he says that the party will be in Compton we say HELL NO. after that Kaitie gets on the phone with the taxi company, but for some reason, the same company that dropped us off, couldn't find where we were. So we go into survival mode--kashi and I whip out our phones and start looking through our contact lists for people with cars. I call Margot, but she's deathly ill and, as much as she wants to, she can't pick us up. then I call Beka to get ahold of Jason and they're ready and willing to get into his car and drive downtown to get us, but right as I'm about to give them directions, a taxi rolls up. the taxi driver speaks NO english and tells us, in so many words, that he's going to drive around the block and pick us up on the other street. On our way to the other street we run into these two guys and they ask us if we know what's going on. so, we tell them our story and they tell us that the other party we were thinking about going to was lame shit. then, for some reason, one of them (the hot one) asks for our (my, actually) number and tells us he'll tell us about all the good clubs/parties going down in the greater Los Angeles area. Short story, short: I gave him my number... his name is Allen. So, the cab pulls around the corner and we hop in only to realize that we need to give this guy directions, and he still doesn't speak English any better than he did the first time we talked to him. Luckily, Kashi and Kaitie speak almost fluent Spanish and they get us back to Eagle Rock for $40 and alive.
Back near campus and we stop by animal house only to find that it's more or less over. we come back up to BY and we're just chillin when, you guessed it, Miles comes downstairs and decides to tell me about some brownies he found and subsequently ate... (great converstation, but hell, at least it was a converstation). he leaves and somehow our group had expanded to include Jordie, Joe and David and we had lost Kaitie along the way. So we chill. and then I go outside to smoke and guess who walks up, yeah, once again, Miles. I give him a drag and he tells me that he's going to bed because he has to work tomorrow (he's from orange county), but he tells me that he'll call me t0morrow night... call me tomorrow night. That is definitely what he always says, but that was the first time I've been alone with him since... and it's also the first time we've had a more or less sober converstation. it was, for lack of a better word, liberating.
So, I came in here to write and... I've probably been stopped about 10 (or 3)times.
once because david wanted to read my writing.
twice because Chelsea wanted to sleep in my bed because her roommate brought home a friend who decided to throw up in their room.
third because Chelsea's roommate wanted to know if I could help her move her friend because she reinjured her knee that she had just had surgery on...
damn.


so now it's 4 in the morning. and I need to get some shut eye.
I'm going to go curl up next to Chelsea and sleep, sleep, sleep.

editor

I have limited time to
teach myself to hide behind a mask
of heyhow'sitgoing?i'mfineweshouldhangoutsometime...
even though I mastered the art
years ago
now I'm haunted by
new messages
and the past I'd never ask to forget

my walls sing a softer tune
and I'm reminded of the times
I never had to worry about
my own mental health

once the machines took over
I recalled the times she taught me how to breathe
and how often she asked to see me smile
I'm begging her for the same thing
but she's nonresponsive
and I'm left teaching my tears to find my cheeks
and then disappear before I'm caught
showing my weakness

these streets are teaching me to stumble
keeping my eyes to the distant
memory of days when...

shaken not stirred

it seems like trying is all I do these days
and I'm living in a nonresponsive
relm of unconsciences
writing my name upsidedown
on the doors of people
who will never care as much as
those who made me everything
I'm listening to a give and take of nothing
and I'm sitting here finding myself
laughing at nothing they'd ever understand
take my hand and lead me through the door,
it will never be as hard as I try and make it
I'm remembering everything
and keeping tabs on my downfalls

what was the point in turning myself
into a pile of slurred speech and cigarettes
when all it boiled down to was your ignorace?
I'm telling myself you're the opposite
and I have no reason to give a reason to care
I'll stop falling over myself
and you won't hear my voice come friday night
(firsts and lasts)

my lungs have seen too much smoke
and I've made my liver's life and death decision
without its permission
saturday nights have become something I never thought I'd see
and my eyelids are never alert enough to catch the signs
tell me there's something I'm missing
because I've fallen backwards into
another bed I've never seen before

once, everything was all too familiar
now I'm spirialing
grabbing onto anything and everything
screaming my wants and needs
into the silence of a nonresponsive room
hoping that someday
the world will open up and swallow me whole
because I've taken my words too seriously
and every love song was a lie
hello, once again, to my empty sheets

with friends like these, who needs "love"?
I'm wasting emotion on nothing
save my cares hideously devoide of anything real
this is what any sane person would consider happiness
but I've never claimed sanity
it's always been exactly the opposite
so I'll continue to lament this pathetic excuse for
afridaynight, wrongnotright, takethistoyourgrave, givemesomething
REAL