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I'm used to singing along to the slow melodies
drifting through my stereo
applying every single word
to my everyday life
thinking of all the times
I was broken down
and left in pieces

tonight was different
as I drove the streets of this city
watching the lights pass me by
I wanted to play the songs
slow in pace and close to my heart
just for the sake of singing to the night
knowing it would all come rushing back to me
flooding my mind with memories of memories

so I tried to listen
tried to remember why
I could sing so loud to the softest songs
but when the songs played
I couldn't find it in me to feel
anything but the urge to skip ahead
to something lighter
something happier
describing the person I have become

so this is happiness
that feeling that everythings right
and I don't have to hide behind my facade
as good as it may be
because I'm no longer wondering
where my next meal is coming from
metaphorically speaking
and I don't have to debate
the likelihood of falling asleep alone
when I know I'm more than welcome next to you

9/19/09

you held me up
walked me home
found me to my door
and waited while I
threw my shoes across the room
and stumbled into a change of clothes
mistaking socks for shoes
while giggling at my own mistakes

with the world spinning a little faster than usual
you helped me back trough the door
and laughed at my backwards sentences
holding my hand
and letting me lead us
to another secret location
where the fountain applauded our
efforts to keep our clothes on
as we tried not to take advantage of the privacy

our sleepy heads
longed for a place to rest
so we wandered away from our new hiding place
and found our way back to your bed
knowing we weren't going to
rush
into anything serious
I curled up next to you
and let your breath
sing me to sleep

you've lulled me to sleep with your thoughts without physically being present.

we finally decided
that with hours under our belts
we're jumping headfirst into this
hoping for the best
but still expecting the worst,
this much will never change

and I'm terrified
of what tomorrow will bring
with daylight and witnesses
and I'm terrified
of how this will end
because nothing lasts
and I have yet to describe this as
beautiful

where did you come from
with your goofy smile
and your perfect compatibility
and how did you find me
swimming in an ocean of
past lives and unforeseeable futures
only to pick me off the ground
and lead me someplace safer

you're not what I expect
when I expected to find a match
you're far from my usual
probably proving that you're
exactly what I needed to
survive this year
but I'm still uneasy
simply because

and I'm sure I don't deserve this
the nice guy
with intentions of gold
and I'm sure I'm not ready
to be treated
in any other way
than they treated me before
who are you to be this good?

what is this happiness you've bestowed on me?

welcome wanderer
you stumbled into my life
with long talks and laughter
turning minutes into hours
and causing me to turn back to these pages
for some form of release

I would never have seen it coming
if you hadn't made the first move
and it still catches me off guard
when your arm finds its way around my waist
or you pull me in for a kiss

who are you?
the walls are whispering white noise
that I've learned to ignore
(for the first time in months)
with questions you have yet to ask
and answers I have yet to give
wondering if I deserve this
in any way, shape or form

this crash course in happiness
sends shivers down my spine
at the thought of what might happen today
while you keep up with my insanity
and keep me guessing and giddy
hoping this isn't a repeat of before and before

who do you think you are?
getting my hopes up like this.

smoke fills the spaces we used to dance

I'm back again
and my silence is broken
my heart has stopped racing
and my fingers aren't clawing for anything to hold onto
these walls are new
and they don't bleed with memories of times unseen
futures broken
and promises made

I'm back again
and the world seems smaller
the area between here and there
shrank down to the size of a pea
and the area between here and now
expands with each breath I take
creating an expanse that I can't weather on my own

I'm back again
one year past
and I'm not dancing on moonbeams
or wishing on stars
with the false hopes
and the battle scars
I'm just praying that I survive
another round in the ring

I'm back again
loving the same
and finding nothing here to keep me occupied
but a reminder of everything
I went through
just to make it to the end

I'm back again
and here I am
starting over
right were I left off
with a few more memories
and a few more promises
all things that will be broken again

I'm back again
but where have I been?