12:20

I'm taking a break from the mundane
to write another set of ordinary stanzas
about my life, or lack thereof
(contradiction? I think not.)
and when better to pour out my feelings
than midnight again
pretending there is nothing I'd rather do
than pretend, again

so on to my point
this is the part where I pick up and move
my words in circles to describe my feelings
when the screen looks nothing like my therapist
and my truths are only halves
because I this is where they can lie out
and stretch their weary limbs
the puns are artificial
but they'll keep you wondering
nonetheless

back to work on the story of my life
calling attention to my own
downfalls and pit stains
(oops, did I say that out loud?)
pitfalls and downward spirals
researching my own mistakes
and criticizing my own actions
walking on eggshells past his window
because that's where it all went wrong

and I think you'll appreciate this one
with all its hidden agendas
making sure you're still listening
reading
watching
singing
feeling
because one of us has to
while I'll continue to rate myself
from one to ten
and realize I'm constantly beyond
the vanishing point
the point being
I've vanished

I'm saying the same things over and over
about different people
and your name still gives me shivers down my spine
and your appearance still makes my heart beat faster
you never were
you were always
like the rest who left me behind
when I became too much
why should I give into my emotions
when they lead me directly to failure
I'm writing to an invisible audience
without the hope of being heard
read
understood
where did you go?
I can see the light shining through your window
never knowing if you're alone when it goes off
where did you go?
every move from the book
I should have seen it coming

I've registered my phone... What?
quote: "tonight, i guess, i'm human, so thank you for fighting and having sex with me."

dear mr. -

my therapist says that I have an attachment issue. that I blame myself for when people leave. I hold the guilt, it must have been me. I replay every moment wondering where it was that I went wrong. what did I say?
it was short-lived, like everything else in my life. how many times are people like you going to have to leave without an explanation before I get the point? when will I learn my lesson? there I go, blaming myself again. so sorry, so sorry.
but still, they always leave. they always spew love poems, then turn around and vanish. I'll never hear from you again. just like the rest. always just like the rest.
and why do the sad songs keep playing in the background? reminding me that you were not the first one to leave, and you won't be the last. At least we hadn't made any commitments. those were never expected. I never wanted to scare you away. I just wanted to know a little more, is that too much to ask?
I wish I could have told you that I was broken. that's why I needed time. I'm broken. don't fix it if it ain't broken? don't even bother with what was already broken before you even arrived. but that would have only scared you more. what would you do with the pieces? I never expected you to clean them up. I just wanted you to make me feel whole, just for these last few weeks. I would have missed you when it was over, but at least there would have been something.
so now, how do I expect this to play out? I'll pass you on the way to class and look you straight in the eye, then what? you'll look away and I'll look down. all the courage I'm bracing myself for will dissipate. it always does. all the plans. I've broken all the plans.
I'll see my therapist tomorrow. he'll remind me that I'm a survivor and I'll look him eye and pretend to agree.
sur·vive

v. sur·vived, sur·viv·ing, sur·vives v. intr. To remain alive or in existence. To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere: To remain functional or usable

maybe I am. but only in definition 3... remaining functional. I give myself a pat on the back for that one. though I wonder how, exactly, I've managed to survive. I thank the cigarettes and my pillows.

fuck it. I'm trying to write poetry. but I'm drunk. so that's not gonna work.

THIS IS WHY I SHOULD NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE I ACTUALLY LIKE!!!

FUCK YOU!!!

gahhhhhhhh... I don't know what to fucking do. haha. due.
I have shit due tomorrow... I'm not doing it.
not going to class either


and since nobody is going to read this let this serve as a reminder to MYSELF that there was a reason I disowned my emotions years ago.
THEY FUCK YOU OVER.
fuck you over.
fuck you over.
you fucked me over.

rush

my hopes were so high
they could have floated right out of the room
but now my smiles fading back to black
and I'm beginning to see past the fog I've been in for days now
how I could never see you wanting me
outside of the bedroom
and why everybody seems to know you better
when I'm the one you're holding through the night
maybe not the only one
but one of the ones, at the very least

I can't become this again
remembering again why I've blocked happiness
from my vocabulary
deleted it from my memory bank
because happy always ends
and there's no such thing as a happy ending
those who disagree are the real cynics
the real enablers
feeding false promises of something that will never come
here's a toast to you

and I'm only hurting because I wanted it so bad
to be something utterly impossible
something I've never deserved
I'm struggling to figure out why
my very being screams
"please, use me"
when if you took the time to look in my eyes
they'd plead
"please, remember me"
and when you forget, like the rest of them
it'll burn a little longer
because I let myself fall

for someone I'll never know

your signiture

it's more of a conversation starter
because your moves are see through
and I've learned to spot them from a mile away
thanks to the last
and the last
and the last
more than once is a step up for me
even when this leads to another brick wall
signaling a dead end
I'll take what I can get

but this is unusual
I'm not one to let happiness get the better of me
and yet I couldn't hold back a smile
at the sight of your skin
because for once everything is going as planned
even when I know that this can only last for so long
and the countdown has already begun
then what will become of everything I'm working so hard for?
what will become of this?

I shouldn't expect so much from a stranger
even when your whispers promise to tell me all your secrets
or at least the lies you think I want hear
I'm not interested in everything
I just want you to get to the part where you tell me
that this means nothing more than nothing
so that all of my worst fears can become reality
at least you won't be lying anymore

or maybe you aren't the bad guy
and I'm crucifying you before you've had the chance
to sit in front of the judge and jury
the crown of thorns is just a hand-me-down
from the others
to whom I'm comparing you
but it's better for me
to believe you're going to be another downfall
than be completely crushed when
all you're just like all of the others

I'm done with this internal monologue
because it keeps flinging me in circles
and I know I can't take all the options
without forgetting that hope dies first
contrary to popular belief

should I let this happiness consume me
like I do every other emotion
and drown in its obvious downfall
while my friends watch me
spiral out of control again?

help me make sense of this.

myraid of hippocracy

you're fresh out of a relationship
that meant more to you than
I've ever meant to anyone
and I want to ask you to remember my name
but all I can hope for is a nickname
like
r
e
b
o
u
n
d

and this is why I hate happiness
more than I hate my own self-loathing
remind me of one time happiness lead to anything
but heartbreak
and when you draw a blank I'll understand
because you're in the same boat as I am

alone but not lonely
or is it the other way around?

I'm not sure of my motives anymore
because the memories became all to vivid
when I claim that all I want to do is forget
as I psychoanalyze my flashbulb memories
I'm trying to replace his face with the likes of
someone who doesn't pose so much of a threat
to my own mental health

but as I make a fool of myself
acting like a little girl with her first crush
I want to demolish your very being
because I hate being that girl
I ignore my conscious telling me what's going to happen
and I know it'll hurt
when I find out I'm just for fun

always just for fun

all of you boys with such tendencies
gentlemen
it's all a lie
and when I'm once again forgotten at the end of the night
I know I'll need to waste my time
one someone else
so that I'll have so much more to look forward to
like the next time I'm alone

and while I'm on a roll
how did you end up there
curled up behind me
breathing down my neck
just like everybody else
that's when I should have known

I'm already
cursing this oblivion
before you've even emerged again
before you've had the chance to prove me wrong
because you won't
they never do

and in the heat of the moment
I found myself closing off
trying to retreat back into myself
simply because I was too afraid

now trust isn't in my vocabulary
and even the ones I know won't break me
are now suspects on my list
I need only to look up, not over my shoulder

this is what you've done
soft-spoken, well-dressed and talented
you fed me lines you knew I'd fall for
in order to ignore my cries for rescue

it's a touchy subject
and you would never understand why
I had a dream I had to reveal my secret
and you laughed from the sidelines
because you never believed it to be true

now what kind of situation is this
that I'm getting myself in again
I'm destined for this circle

your lies tell it all
and I'm tired of your
everything
I never expected anybody
to pick up the pieces
after the mess you made

today I realized
exactly where you left me
so broken
I tend to drop my emotions off
on any bedside table that will take them

and I'm trying to hold myself back
from falling again
because it's always perfect
until you don't know what's coming next
and you expect everything
and nothing
taking for granted the times you
always tell yourself to remember

the night is wearing on
the city has faded to black
I'm surprisingly unsurprised
at the way I don't wait for you anymore
I'll wait for everyone who will never matter
but not you

we're filled up to the brim
with false hope
then we spill over
and when no ones there to pick up the pieces
we wonder why they lied to us for so long

and so on

time for one more
where I try to convince myself
that you never happened
these nights keep getting longer
and I'm up to my shoulders in
dirt and grime
trying to decipher the meanings
behind missed calls and answering machines

disconnected from every word
you never even meant
throwing them in my direction
like I was made of glue
waiting to stick to your essence
regardless of your obvious flaws
that only become more obnoxious as the night wears on
you got what you wanted
now run along and play pretend

now I'm slipping
because these walls don't hold enough friction
to connect point A to point B
tumbling backwards down your spiral staircase
metaphor for falling from heaven
you aren't the one who took it all
I have to keep reminding myself of that

how many of you will there be
when all is said and done
how many of you will hold another piece of the puzzle
that no man will have the energy to put back together
that's why I lack the emotion necessary to be capable of love
I've already given up
given in
with whatever I have left
the smiles are fictional
and the streets keep calling my name

bad decisions decide my fate
so I've made enough to land me a permanent place
in this world of fake LA glamour one night stands and booze
if I thought I was drowning before...
there's only so much left to throw away
take out your dirty laundry
and the trash
your house reeks of indiscretion
of all of the women you've taken home
I couldn't ask to be a memory
even the day after the fact.