don't act like you know

I'm so done.
this is so fucking stupid. I really shouldn't care about you, at all, but you're stuck in the back of my head like the lyrics to an annoying song (umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh). I keep seeing reminders of your presence in my life even when I'm over five hundred miles from home. You've worked your magic and now I can't stand on my two feet without your name radiating in the back of my head. WHY? why was I never good enough to fight for? will I ever be good enough to fight for? will there ever be anyone good enough to fight for me? fuck. I don't even know who to blame anymore, because I was just as willing as you were. fuck the summer. you didn't deserve it. you, of all people, don't deserve to be happy while I'm sitting here homesick for an empty home. I wish I had a good excuse to rub anything in your face, but you'll just come back with a smile and I'll be reminded that you were happy first. IT'S NOT FAIR. and this is a rant to end all rants about whatever it was I did that fucked me up to this point, but I'm alone in my room and I have every reason to hate people like you. if I said I refuse to fall for someone like you, I'd be lying because I only fall for people like you. people who don't give a fuck who they hurt in the process, or convince themselves that the people they hurt aren't acutally hurting, I don't know. You're a dick. You're every bad thing I could have ever imagined. I hate you. from the bottom of my heart, I hate every word out of your mouth. I hate everything you've ever told me. I hate you're opinions, I hate your lies, I hate your truths, I hate your friends, I hate your smile, I hate your laugh, I hate your scheming, I hate your plotting, I hate your plans, I hate your phone, I hate... well... everything. and I hate to sound like miley cyrus (because she's a whore), but I hate myself for actually knowing that I'd run back into your arms if you really, truely wanted me (or if you just wanted to have some fun). You have ruined everything.
thanks.

talk is cheap

I miss the feeling of sand in my sheets
after a long day of seasides
and laughter
because now I'm stuck
in the middle of a city
I'm not going to call home
in casual conversations
about the place I love the most

I miss when I knew I was special
because now I'm just a number
posted on a wall on the third floor
that will disappear when people start to roam
it's too hot for anything to be real
and the heat has gotten the better of us
these aren't the days of our lives
those were gone the second I said goodbye

I miss those times you told me this was special
because now I'm stuck in reverse
and I'm having a hard time coming to terms with
your new life and your new friends and your new fucks
this is a constant theme
and I was never good enough to be good enough
for your standards
but I was always good enough to be good enough
for your sheets

I miss my sunsets
and sweatshirts
because everything just fades away here
while we're stuck behind the blinds
with the air conditioner set on high
with our heads burried in our computers
doing nothing but learning how to ignore each other
I want substance
I want home

I miss you
and you
and you
and you
because all of the you's
that made the days worth going
are around the world
with more than enough
magic spells
to keep you happier
than I am now

college life

So, I'm in college.
weeeee!... I guess
My fashion trip was amazing... other than the massive amounts of walking we had to do and the stupid tour "guide." but we had some awesome tour "leaders" all of whom are upper classmen, they were seriously the best. And the girls! ohmygod, we had the best group I've ever seen (other than the ckc!!!), there was absolutely no unnecessary drama, and we're all still friends. it was so awesome. It was such a nice surprise. Everybody got along, which is super rare for 12 completely different girls. I'm really glad I did oxyengage because I was able to get my feet on the ground and meet people before everybody got here.
So, orientation week (O-week) started on saturday and we got to meet our roommates and our "O-teams" (pretty much the group of people we do most of our orientation shit with). My group's pretty chill. There's one guy from Mountain View, so I mean, that's almost close to home. haha. So far, we've done pretty much everything; we had a "ho-down" where we learned to line dance (the LA Wranglers are FUCKING amazing!!!), we had a reggae band here, we had a formal last night. We also had a improv comedy duo here to talk about sex (it was funny, of course).
My roommate is actually suppper chill. We're not like best friends, but we can talk to each other and we get along. She's very driven and knows what her goals are. It's probably good for me to have her around. We'll see.
ok. well I'm registering for classes today! so, let's hope I get into the ones I want to get into.

this room needs to breathe

now we're breathing the same air
and I've made a point of asking for
a pollution free environment
you're the kind of opposite I didn't quite expect

I'm still reeling from the scent
of something I didn't want the pictures
on my wall
to imbibe
and tell youre secrets somewhere else
I'm going to find myself a safe place to hide

this is my small cry for help
I need something familiar in my life
other than the familiar that I've just met
and asked to "be my friend?"
we've started to scare of the normal kids
but isn't that how it always goes?

I don't like having an invasion
of the scariest kind
the kind that keeps my eyes moist
because I'm no longer alone and I have to
learn to live with someone who didn't
exist
until today
won't you come save me?

I smell hospital on his breath
and I want to go home
to the safest place I know
and keep my knees to my chest
and my wall to my back
as I ponder the existance of life outside
this state
this country
I'm so ready to find myself somewhere else

I'm going to wake up
and find
that the world is at my fingertips
and I'm going to find
that the world is the only thing
I'm going to need

I miss him already
because he's the only man I'll ever trust

fly away

I'm sitting here listeing to The Moldy Peaches and thinking about how in about 4 hours I'm flying away. litterally. I woke up this morning terrified that I had made the wrong choice and this was it... but that passed. This is exactly what my mom wanted me to do, so I'm going to do it, and I'm going to love every second of it (confidence is key). I've packed away everything I own into 4 check-ins and 3 carry ons (two of which equal my camera and my computer). I'm proud of myself. :)
Now that Modest Mouse is on, I'll talk about how clean my room is. (we all know how big of a feet that is for me). My shoes are lined up against the wall and my bed is almost made. I cleaned the living room and tied up all the loose ends around the house (I still haven't found my dad's mind, but I think he's got it hidden somewhere).
This is it. I'm about to fly away to somewhere bigger and hotter and smoggier and... well everything-er... except for prettier. I miss Fort Bragg. I miss everyone.
The White Stripes are on.
let's go break some legs.... :)

I was finished before I started

I'm done trying to forget about whatever it was
that flashed back into my memory
while I was deep in sleep
I kicked off my blankets and called your name
you had a change of heart
and returned
of course it was only a dream

I've had constant reminders of
this downward spiral tattooed on my
eyelids
I'll never escape
and I'm sure this only sounds so
pitiful
because I should be dreaming
but I'm sick of what I find there
so I'll stay up and keep my writing
written

we laughed about monsters
and hauntings
as they snuck up behind us ready to pounce
we never expected the unexpected
because we never thought ahead
I'll miss the way we would squirm
and she would hold our hands
those were the best of times

I'm quoting dickens
and wanting to give up
because my writing sounds like
whining and my whining sounds like crying
and my crying sounds like laugther
while my laughter starts the entire
cycle over again
was that too much for one line?

I'm considering staying
because I'm going to miss so much
but I'm going to miss her the most
and I'm too far away to know
what exactly needs to be done
in order to keep spirits up
and hearts beating
(remind me, please, and I'll get right on it)
I could only ask for what was given

I realize I'm screaming for an audience
of one
and I never meant to make the walls bleed
dandilions and clean laundry
that's just the way it turned out
I'm packing up everything I've ever known
and taking it with me on this adventure
so, why can't I take you?

these are getting worn out
and long
I'm killing time by killing trees
I'm gone gone gone
before the night is over

this isn't what you wanted

I'm trying to prolong my breaths
so that my heart can catch up to reality
and keep my eyes open at a faster pace
and my lips silent for the first time in years
this hasn't made sense since I traded my youth
for a new pair of shoes
that never fit just right

I'm listening to the silence
as it screams the names of those I miss
and tells me about how much I'm losing
by taking my chances and jumping in head first
I'd love to tell it that it's all wrong
but I'm not sure that I believe it myself
they taught me everything I need to know
now they're letting me learn it for myself

I'm mad at nothing
but it keeps me so preoccupied that I can't
help but dissolve all the happiness
into my pockets and
accidently wash it
with my delicates
oops... I did it again

I shouldn't have given noon
the time of day
or the date for that matter
because it never wanted anything to do
with keeping me prompt or keeping me on task
I won't let this be for not
but you'll find me curled up in bed
on more than one occasion

I'm going to keep telling the walls
about my day
because they'll never care enough
to tell me about my mistakes
or remind me to take out the trash
I'll be missing the missed
and retreating to the corners of my sheets
with a stranger in toe
I'm sorry I was never good with introductions
or converstation
without having all directions point south
and getting myself mixed up with the
bad guys

I've been gone for too long
and I wish I could replace my goodbyes
with hellos
and my life could live like an ad for cheap phones
with a lifetime warrenty
and a lifetime movie to boot
I should have been featured right along her
as a fallen angel
but I haven't handed over the credits yet
I'm waiting for a cheaper way to get by

could this have happened in more of a
screwedupmixeddownoverratedunderanticipated
way?
I wish you could have told me where we were going
before we ended up there with
my hands tied behind my back and my
toes curling at the sound of your voice
was it always this good?

I'd write more about my flaws
but they seem to be fatal these days
and I'd rather not die for my sins
even though I've never been one to learn from them
I'll be anything this world needs from me
and I'll do it with as much of a smile
as I can muster
and gun to my head

as coheriant as I wish I was
I've always been the opposite

I'm drowning in everything I own

I don't know how I ended up here, or why I'm starting to "blog" about my life. It's really not all that interesting. I've spent this week retracing my steps and making sure that I'm ready to embark on the biggest adventure of my life (and I've been on some pretty damn big adventures before). It isn't real yet and I don't want to believe that this is it. I'm leaving the comfort of northern california on sunday and heading down to face the unknown without a hand to hold. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm everything but ready.

I have no idea what lies in store for me other than homesickness and that awkward first couple of weeks in which I'm going to have to try and make friend (I've never been good at that game). It all seems so unreal. SoCal seems like totally different universe filled with plastic and money (neither of which I have an abundance of).

But, these are the things I am looking forward to:

• decorating my dorm with my memories
• turning 18 with something to do
• the boys (yes, I'm that shallow, but so are you)
• the nightlife
• hanging out with jason, landry and becky
• getting "surprise" visits
• being on my own (kinda)
• being able to tell my stories when I come home

some of these are almost like a blessing and a curse (i.e being on my own). I don't know how exactly I'm going to survive with out my favorites (you know who you are).

I just remembered that I have to finish this course online for school by tomorrow. so this is it for now.