scream the abuses against us for the first time today

I can't ignore it
and I'm sure it's in the back of his mind
especially now that it's become the topic of discussion
all over again
that short, ugly word
that screams that I've been used and abandoned before
that probably scares the shit out of this man who is trying his hardest
to fall in love effortlessly
just as I drop this bomb of
here's-my-past
even though I'm no longer broken or torn
he has something to prove now
and I wouldn't be surprised if my past scares him more
than our future

back to that four letter word
that is forever part of who I will be
once people get to know exactly who I am
even if I'm not defined by it
even if I'm completely over it
it will linger in the recesses of your mind until
you find something to blame on it
and bring it up all over again

let's spell it
r-a-p-e
let's scream it
RAPE!

yes, I can remember everything I was wearing
yes, down to the shoes
yes, I knowingly went home with him
yes, even when I didn't want to have sex that night
but yes, I did want to have sex with him eventually
and yes, he took advantage of me

so I'm another statistic that didn't report it
who kept silent
who pretended like everything was fine
until the world started turning again
and now I really am fine
but you'll always remember me as...

and I saw a picture of him today
with his stupid hair
and his skin and eyes and lips and ears
and I wish I could have stopped his progress
stopped him in his path
and made it so he wasn't here today
living his life
care-free and ignorant
to the trauma he put me through
and the stigma he's placed on me
but I made my decision
to keep myself as far away enough from that man
in order to live my life
as care-free and ignorant
as possible

I've moved on
I'm not repeating these facts because I need to convince myself
I'm simply trying to make sure you get the point
this isn't in anger, depression, anxiety, all of the above
this is about frustration

because now I've found the perfect man
with the perfect heart
and I've told him my secrets
without thinking that he'll have to live with them now, too
I wonder how often he thinks of it
when he looks in my direction
or when he watches me sleep
how often he remembers that what he is given freely
was once stolen from this girl he's learning to love
does it scare him to know that I'm more grown up
than he originally thought?

he knows and he's still here
I have nothing to be afraid of
right?