I'm see-through

I'm starting to feel that twing of homesickness that I was supposed to feel 3 weeks ago, but never did. I feel like there's nowhere else I want to be other than by my mom's bed or eating breakfast with my dad. I don't like the idea that these people are going to become my family. They aren't, they never will be. Not to say I don't love them, I do. But, they're not Lacy or Bryna or Kathrina. I haven't found one person who I can laugh with the way we used to laugh. Those girls, they're my family if anybody is. I want to be the one who gets to go back to Fort Bragg for the week and spend the night in my room. I want to be in Sacramento. I want to be anywhere North of San Francisco and south of Humbult County. I want to know the roads like the back of my hand and be able to get from point A to point B without having to mapquest that shit. This city doesn't help. This campus doesn't help. This room (that's about to not be my room anymore) doesn't help. I need something secure. So far, I don't think anybody understands what's going on in my home and how hard every single day is for me. Sure, I act as though I'm tough as nails, but I'm not. I'm not even close. I'm an actress, tried and true. That's all I'll ever be. I'm never going to be able to talk about my problems with anybody other than my parents. I hate putting a burden on someone that I've volunteered to put in a situation in which they have to listen to me complain about this, that and the other. That's why I never talk about anything. That's why I keep it all inside. That's why I'm crying right now, but my roommate will never be the wiser even though she's sitting less than 5 feet away from me. I have these moments of vivid memory in which I can see an entire see from my life, back when everything was simplier. Routine was normal. Dinner was cooked and not ordered out. There were fires in the winter and screen doors in the summer. There were family vacations and family talks. There was a family. The biggest problem was a boy and even that always had a solution. I had time to spare and cried about the little things. I hate this new life.
I hate that nobody's going to read this.
because nobody's ever going to understand.